Anew. A fresh joy, a new love. Yesterday was but darkness.
My new but familiar clothes discarded, given back unto the world. So cheap yet so expensive. A cost that once seemed so high became my origin.
Spiraling downward commitment exploded, my prosperity seemingly exploded, yet everything seemed to be losing its value.
Where were you to protect me? Why did you leave me? Where was your guidance? Where was your love? You were never alive when I needed.
The more I gained control the more it seemed to elude me. Make me my own master, indentured to none, but my own. A hope so palpable, let me be as a god! Strength and desire be my guide. I gained all in my mind, but I knew not where I was nor what I had gained, but I was insatiable. In the pain, in the suffering, I knew no more, pain defined a world so small, but of infinite consequence.
Fearful clouds so thick and dense, there was no light to be seen. What had once been a mist became a fog, and was oppressing my every breath. Suffocating in a world of life and beauty, I could see my world no longer.
Then I gazed upon a sight of fame. A sight transcendent, as if the heavens had opened.
Let me come naked, let me lay exposed before you! Bathe me in righteousness, cleanse me in truth, clothe me in majesty. Adorn me with love; let me be a fine aroma to you. Freedom never felt so free but the cost was so high. An expense that was so great it’s price more than I could ever earn. Even if for but a time, I lived as royalty, I became as a queen, the king’s betrothed and beloved. Life was life, to be enthroned in a kingdom to live.
As quickly as I was whisked from my feet I lost my way to the kings quarters, distraction curtailed my fervor to find the throne. I traded my scepter for crumbs to eat. My golden bracelets for a glimpse of the unknown. Pearls so pure and brilliant for a day in a cloud. I was once so important to the king, it seemed as if he never cared at all, my departure not quite tantamount, certainly other affairs and subjects and mistresses had become more important. I had been forsaken yet again, perpetuity inevitable. Hurt from all sides, even when I thought I had found my protection, my love. A hope beyond my dreams, fate seemed to bring me back.
A lifetime past, fond memories became dull recollections. Loves lost, but never had I seemingly found. I held on to nothing dearly. A string of something, but there was no cohesive conclusion. Where was my true joy? The king’s courts were so majestic, should I not but visit his chambers even though the palace will not be opened, surely the king would at least entertain his fantasy from a time past, certainly he could not have forgotten the intimacy. A tale so epic and ridiculous, a mere peasant with a king of great influence.
Yet as I approached, old and weather beaten, undesirable in almost every way. All seemed unchanged, a garden of perfection, a structure imposing and strong, even the water in the moat sparkled like spring water. Everything was majestic yet inviting as it always was. To my surprise, I was welcomed in the castle. Eerily I tiptoed the path that had once been so familiar. As I walked to the kings chambers I felt wretched, why would he want me, even if he was old and haggard, he had power and riches, property and status. I had value but in my small circles for which no one outside of them had any interest. I didn’t even bother showering for such an affair, my hair in a muss, clothing ruffled, and my appearance frumpy and tired. As I stood outside his chambers I equivocated, and began to feel foolish. Why had I even bothered to return, to come so far for nothing, he would not even be there and surely he would turn away his face when he saw what I had become.
Overwhelmed by recklessness I thrust myself through the imposing doors. How had the king remained so young, he was handsome and lovely, he sat alone, he had been waiting for me all these years, thinking of the heart he loved and the one life he treasured. He would have died waiting and died for me to live. As he gazed upon me with burning eyes of love he exclaimed to me that I was lovely. He had been waiting for me to return. I tried to explain to him about my other lovers and that I was haggard and wretched, but he would have none of it… He clothed me in the robes of a queen and pampered me. All would be well and the past forgotten, how would this be, that a king would wait for a tattered and bruised peasant… A heart so full of angst and a king of pure love… But all was forgotten and never spoken of again, the king knew nothing but truth and love and had waited at the doors of his chamber for his maidens heart an entire lifetime and not departed for a moment.
In his courts again I became beautiful and lovely, and I once again was reminded of what had made me wondrous in the first place. I would die in his arms, lovers entwined for eternity, a love so pure, a love so infinite… Nothing could destroy our destiny; he would be there with me and wait a lifetime yet again. He would always want me back and never remember the times that I left… as long as I came back and bowed before my king, I would be his queen. I would be a queen.